In the Meantime...

Signs.

Yet another sign that our decision to withdraw from the China Adoption Program was a good one (for us). Oh, and here's another one: (From the China Adoption Forecast site.)

Our prediction for LID 2006-06-27

China has 99 days of dossiers to be processed before they get to your dossier. China currently processes about 4.1 days of dossiers each month.

Our best guess: 2011-06-01

Since China generally sends out referrals in a batch about once per month, your referral date could easily vary +/- one month depending on whether you just get included or just get missed in a particular batch.

 

That's TWO MORE YEARS, people. On top of the three that have already passed. It so very obviously was not meant to be.

And I'm at peace with that.

Finally.

Feelin' Stronger Every Day

It's been six months since we decided to withdraw our adoption paperwork from the China program. It has been a roller-coaster of emotion , that has very recently started to even out for me.

I spent a wonderful Christmas with my brother's family with only a brief sadness for the quiet, childless Christmases in our future. But no regrets.

I've slowly been re-gifting things that were given to us and giving away things that we bought for our girl. And it feels good.

The only things I can't part with yet are the hand-made things. Not quite sure what to do with them - they were made with such love.

On Sunday, I boxed up all of the Dr. Suess books that I had purchased in anticipation of a child and sent them on their way to my nephew. I can't wait to read them with him the next time we visit.

There's a small, red baseball glove waiting for a future birthday.

And I'm definitely set for baby shower gifts for little girls for a while!

I'm sure I'll have my moments, but I know they will be fewer and farther in between.

I feel as if a weight has been lifted.

Thank goodness.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Dr. Seuss

 

Blind-sided.

Will it ever stop taking my breath away?

I was walking out of the grocery store this afternoon. As I headed to my car, I saw a Caucasian woman, about my age or maybe a little older, walking with an Asian girl, about five years old. They were holding hands and talking and laughing as they went inside to do their shopping. They looked my way, I smiled, and then they returned their attention to each other. I looked away as I felt tears spring to my eyes.

I came home and checked with a China adoption forecast site to see if things have moved ahead at all. They haven't. Even though we withdrew five months ago, I still check every once in a while to see if the wait is still painfully long. It is. If we had continued the wait, our forecast referral date is September 25, 2010 - four years, 7 months after we started.

I know we made the right decision for us.
I know these feelings will fade.
I just hope it's soon. 

Most days...

It's been four months since we closed the door.

Most days I'm fine.

Most days I don't think about it. About her. And if I do, it's fleeting.

Most days, the longing is slight and brief.

Yesterday was not one of those days.

We're done.

June 27th marks two years of waiting since our dossier was logged into the adoption system in China. When we started this process almost two-and-a half years ago, the wait was 7 months. We thought that we'd be parents by February 2007. Then it was November 2007. Then the length of the wait just skyrocketed. The latest predictions say we have at least two years and three months more of waiting. That would put us at going to China in November of 2010. And that is if the earthquake has no affect, or the Olympics, or the political state of the country or the world...

We tell you all of this so you know that when we tell you that we have made the decision to withdraw our paperwork from the system, you know that we have done so with a lot of thought, soul-searching, research, and heart-to-heart talks. We really feel that we were just not meant to be parents. If we were, it would have happened by now.

We've spent the past two years waiting. We did some damage to Jon's career by staying here in hopes of completing the adoption. We both feel that it is time for us to just move ahead with our lives. We have come to terms with our decision and are looking forward to starting anew in Omaha, without the adoption hanging over every decision we make. Don't be sad for us. We're doing good and are ready to move on.

Don't hesitate to ask us any questions, but please know that we are not going to consider any other international or domestic adoption options. We're done with that process.

Thanks for all the support you've given us during this process.

Not tough enough.

Will someone please explain to me how, when I am nauseous and anxious worrying about my sick DOG, I will be able to cope with a sick baby? There is no way I'm cut out for motherhood.

First some whine, and then my first ever contest!

First things first - The monthly CCAA update whining:
As I noted last month, the CCAA is moving painfully slowly in getting referrals for waiting families. Well, the pace has not improved. They got through January 9, 2006 last month.

Five whole days.

Five.

(sigh) 

Now for something much more fun (like roulette is fun).
Let's have a contest to see who guesses where Jon and I will be heading on our next assignment! I have listed the possibilities below in no particular order.

First, the C-17 bases:
1. Alaska - where we would commune with bears and eagles and eat fresh salmon and halibut until we grew gills. Mountains and ocean. Northern lights. Long winter. Deployments.
2. Washington State - Pretty much the same as Alaska, without the bears and the northern lights. One of my very best friends is there - I'd be happy, but Jon would be gone - a lot.
3. Charleston, SC - I don't know much about this area. I think it's probably beautiful and hot and humid!
4. Dover, DE - We have dear friends there as well, and we've never been on the east coast. I'm not hearing good things about the location, though.

Other possibilities:
5. Ramstein, Germany - Cool plane for Jon, great friends already there, gallivanting about Europe. What's not to like?
6. Omaha, NE - Jon would fly a cool plane and what the heck would I do in Omaha? All I can think is COLD!
7. Mascoutah, IL - near my brother and SIL and JACK! Jon would love to fly 737's there, but a staff position is also a possibility.
8. One of several pilot training bases (Enid, Columbus, and another I can't remember).

Okay, that's it! Leave your guess in a comment on this post. Since we're not sure when we will get the news, I will leave the contest open until we hear. One guess per person. If there is more than one correct guess, I will draw from those names for the winner.  If there are no correct guesses, I'll put all of the guesses in a hat and draw a winner.

The winner will receive these hand-made (by me) argentium sterling silver earrings!

Now enter! The odds should be pretty good, since all of about four people read my blog!

Another option...

We finally saw Juno yesterday.

Maybe we should put an ad in the PennySaver.

Juno MacGuff: I could like, have this baby and give it to someone who like totally needs it.
Leah: You should look in the PennySaver.
Juno MacGuff: They have ads for parents?
Leah: Yeah! 'Desperately Seeking Spawn.'

Juno MacGuff: Oh, *wicked* pic in the PennySaver, by the way. Super classy - not like those people with the fake woods in the background. Honestly who do they think they're fooling?
Vanessa Loring: You found us in the PennySaver?

CCAA Update

We just got the following information from our agency:

The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with their office before January 4, 2006.

Another month gone and only eight days closer. Does it seem like every month I say that we have two years of waiting left? Time is literally standing still. The CCAA has to get through 174 days to get to our LID of June 27th. If they get through one week a month, it will take almost 25 more months to get to us. We have to remember that they don't always get through 7 days in a month, it's usually fewer. So, the wait could actually be longer than 25 more months.

I just don't even know what else to say at this point. This is shaping up to be a pretty crappy week.

I couldn't help myself.

July through November were pretty tough months with Jon gone and the news about the adoption wait just getting longer and longer.  I felt myself turning into a bitter, sad, cranky woman and I didn't like it at all.  Thank goodness Jon and I were able to communicate almost every day while he was gone.  And I did some things that have helped push the wait for Erin to the back of my mind.

I packed up all of the stuff we'd been given or had bought for our girl into bins and put them in the garage.  Out of sight and all that.  I donated some of the hand-me-downs that my sweet friends had given me to a wonderful family that really needed and appreciated the items.  I started making gifts of some of the clothes that I had bought for Erin and it feels good to see those baby girls in the cute little outfits.  We decided that, when we move, we'll not tell people that we're adopting, thereby avoiding all of the "Any news on your baby?" questions.  And - here's the big one for me - I made a promise to myself to not buy anything else for her until we get reasonably close to bringing her home.

Well, I broke my promise last week.  But, I had to!  Really I did!  It was on sale!  And it was calling to me...

I got the ladybug.  I mean, how cute is that?  I can just picture her sitting on the bug, little fingers wrapped around the handle, chubby legs scooting herself around...

It was on sale at Garnet Hill after Christmas.  It's an award-winning toy called a wheely bug and it's from Prince Lionheart.  Now, I will put it in the attic with her other things and I promise to not buy another thing until we get closer!

The wait for Erin will always be in my thoughts.  There's nothing I can do about that and I wouldn't want to.   But it's a heck of a lot easier to walk into the spare room and not see a ton of baby clothes in the closet, or a basket of toys on the floor, or a shelf full of books that I can't wait to read to her.  Now, if I can just get the image of her riding around on that funny ladybug out of my mind!